I Will Try

Sparrow,

My dear eldest born is the one who originally introduced me to the poetry of Mary Oliver – the poet that inspires the name of this blog, "Am I Lost". One day, knowing I was going through a hard time, my beautiful first born loaned me her copies of  Mary Oliver's “Red Bird” and “Thirst”.  Another time, again, knowing that I was struggling, she posted the following on my Facebook timeline as a reminder of the strength she knew I had, even if I didn't:

I Will Try

I will try.
I will step from the house to see what I see
and hear and I will praise it.
I did not come into the world
to be comforted.
I came, like red bird, to sing.
But I'm not red bird, with his head-mop of flame
and the red triangle of his mouth
full of tongue and whistles,
but a woman whose love has vanished,
who thinks now, too much, of roots
and the dark places
where everything is simply holding on.
But this too, I believe, is a place
where God is keeping watch
until we rise, and step forth again and-
but wait. Be still. Listen!
Is it red bird? Or something
inside myself, singing?

This poem moved me - deeply - and served as a constant reminder that I was going to be okay but, I've recently realized an important detail:  I no longer need the reminder! I'm no longer “simply holding on”, am I? I did take that step from the house, didn’t I, Sparrow? I stepped from the house, and I stopped asking to be comforted.You've been telling me this all along but I don't think I was capable of hearing you before now.

So, now that I've realized I'm "singing", I'm ready for the physical part of my journey and it's about time because it's about to happen!  The boxes are packed and stacked and the big pieces of furniture are in the garage waiting to go (did I tell you in one of my emails that the garage door broke? Seriously, right before I move!!! I LOVED paying out yet more money to get it fixed...YEESH). The Ex is at his parent's home as I type this to bring back their trailer to move the accumulation of the past years and all seems to be on target.  Now, like you, I am ready to move on. I may not be going as far, and I may not be giving everything away(I am, in fact, taking many of your things with me, aren’t I!)but I’m moving on nonetheless and I’m only able to do it because I finally learned that there’s something “inside myself, singing”.

All this talk of moving has made me contemplate the route we're both taking on these journeys of ours. Let's, for fun, compare the two, shall we? This should be funny. Let's start with the journey you're taking:

Now, what does my journey look like?  Let's have a look:

Wow...a bit of a difference, isn't there?!

Regardless of the length of the route from "start" to "finish" for me, I am going to glory in it! I'll send you pictures, Sparrow, and I'll email you my new address. I know you'll be cheering me on every step of the way and I love you for that!

Yours Always, Red Bird