The Importance of Confidence

Dear Red Bird

A strange thing is happening in our little universe. The boy has changed, we're not sure why. There are little clues here and there, he's more talkative, much more talkative. He interacted with the lady at the deli, a huge accomplishment. Not the low anxious mumble of response while looking at me kind of interaction, but a nervous giving her his full attention conversation kind of thing. I almost burst into tears. He wondered off the other day while we were in a wonderful shop in downtown Victoria. It's the kind of hardware store that sells everything and anything and we eventually found him in the basement amongst the antique bric-a-brac. An area of the store with a dedicated sales associate as some of the items were really rare. Normally this would be a sign to head in the other direction, to high a risk for interaction, but he was beaming away ready to tell us about the cool things he had found. Again, I had to hold on tight to those pesky emotions! He still has his day's when the world is simply too full of people and not keeping to his schedule is more than he can bear, but there is a definite shift happening and it's rather exciting.
I think one reason is the people here, they are so incredibly friendly. We were at a car dealership the other day (our monster truck, all 22 feet of it is too big for this island, we have yet to find a parking space it can actually fit into!) where we met Abraham. As well as telling us about the cars we got his full history, personal cell phone number, an invite to visit his Jamaican Spice store he also runs downtown and basically a ready made posse of his Jamaican friends ready to be our Jamaican friends. We had so much fun with him and he isn't the only one. Everywhere we go people talk to us and welcome us into their families. More importantly they talk to the boy too, as an equal and this has done wonders for him.
However I think the real reason for this shift is confidence. As well as our daily routine of Math, Science, English and the rest, he has time to 'work' as he put's it. Work for him is programming. He has taught himself two programming languages in the last few months and is now actively involved with an online gaming community where he is developing games. He corresponds with like minded people, asking for help when he gets stuck, giving advice on the forums and generally feeling incredibly proud of himself, as he should. ( For those of you in a panic about the perils of cyber communication in one so young and, it has to be said, not terribly street wise, I'm on it. We have full access and control.) I don't know for sure but all roads seem to lead to this boost in self confidence that accomplishment brings and we are reaping the benefits big time.
I've said it before but we took a huge risk pulling him from school and heading out into the scary world with him. Look's like we may have bet on the right horse after all!

Always yours
Sparrow

Daily moments

 My dear Birdie

Funny you should write about joy my friend. Our new home here on the island brings me daily doses of joy that I didn't experience in Ontario. I get it from the mountains. Every time I see those snow packed peaks or the incredible skies that wrap their sometimes light and wispy, sometimes dark and moody clouds above and around those craggy rocks. Their magnitude and brilliance kind of settles me. Something about scale reminds me of my position on this amazing planet. You would think that seeing such an astonishing thing would make me feel small and insignificant, but on the contray, I feel empowered by them. I feel like the world is so amazing and I'm part of it, that to accomplish anything on this weird and wacky planet is so incredible. It's strange isn't it how we remember the bad, or our mistakes, we remember the sorrow more than the joy. I dwell sometimes on what I perceive to be my lack of achievements, but I've done some things that are pretty cool. I stumbled on something called 'The Scale of the Universe' online the other day (apparently I'm the last one to see it as my excited beckoning to the boys was greeted with an implied 'duh, every body knows about that'; see how I took that so negatively!) As I scrolled out from human to the edge of the universe, I stopped as the length of a marathon appeared, bigger than the international space station, bigger than the pyramids, bigger than Vatican city or Everest or Halley's comet, a marathon is long, really long and I ran it. I ran it kind of last minute, not able to do the proper amount of training, but I trained hard and I ran it and ran it well, just missing the under 4hr time I was aiming for by 3 minutes. I've jumped out of an aeroplane (on purpose), I've hiked the Inca trail, swam in every ocean, raised two outstanding children, one of which I'm homeschooling (and let me tell you that takes some patience and skill!) and now I live in an rv as we wing it across this continent. Oh and let's not forget the little matter of autism being in our lives. At some point in our history a conversation was had by myself, my husband and our son about laughter and my husband made the comment that I don't laugh much. That horrified me, was that really true? I felt like I was laughing, but perhaps I wasn't, perhaps I was to busy being responsible, serious and pent up that I forgot to laugh when things were flippant and just outright funny. Now I laugh and not that inside 'Ha' that's over with so quickly. Now I giggle until tears roll down my face and I feel so much better. I try really hard now to slice myself one colossal piece of joy everyday and savor every mouthful.

Glad you are embracing your joy my friend, don't ever feel guilty about that. We have been conditioned to believe that we can't have both at the same time, but we can. They are not related in any shape or form, they are independent of each other and should be treated so.

Always yours
Sparrow

Joy is not made to be a crumb

Dear Sparrow:

Joy and sorrow are conflicting emotions that run rampant through my days, one cancelling out the other almost as soon as it is felt, leaving me confused and dazed and, at times, guilt ridden. How can I, for example, have such a hard week with Fledgling, as I did last week, and still have moments of inspiring happiness (as I told you about in my last email - a teaser for anyone not privy to that email, I know!). What I have discovered is this: I should allow each emotion its time to shine without feeling guilt when one replaces the other. It is far too easy to feel pain and ignore happiness but, it is true, that "joy is not made to be a crumb". To ignore it would be a crime, no?

Don't Hesitate

If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy,

don't hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty

of lives and whole towns destroyed or about

to be.  We are not wise, and not very often

kind.  And much can never be redeemed.

Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this

is its way of fighting back, that sometimes

something happens better than all the riches

or power in the world. It could be anything,

but very likely you notice it in the instant

when love begins. Anyway, that's often the

case. Anyway, whatever it is, don't be afraid

of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.

Mary Oliver

Swan

Love Always,

A "learning to allow JOY in her life", Red Bird

Yugen

I'm sat here bawling my eyes out. My parents are moving house today. The house that was my grandparents and then my parents. So many memories. I loved that house. But I'm bawling because I keep thinking of my dad. He loves the city he grew up in and the house and it's sweeping view over the city. He grew up there and leaving for him I know is going to be hard. I can't stand the thought of him being sad and it's times like this that I feel so very far away. I always find Christmas hard not being with family but this year with the house move, it's killing me. On top of that it's our first Christmas without H and I miss her so much. I know it's going to be hard for her too, she and her brother had little Christmas rituals that they can't do so far away from each other. This journey we are on sure is hard sometimes.
Feeling blue Red Bird when you know you have it good is tough. Such petty troubles, but valid I guess, it's all relative isn't it. Like your 'friend' who say's it's easy for you. What do we know of each others journeys. Our emotions are ours alone and are such complex mixes of past, present and future. My dad will be rolling his eyes at this, telling me he's fine, but it doesn't matter, I can't stop crying!

 As for you my friend, I hear you. It's the lack of an ending that's the hardest. It's knowing it's never going to change, that you will ALWAYS be battling this...... shall we call it a demon? Perhaps not because at times it reveals itself to be what the Japanese call yugen, an awareness of the universe that triggers emotional responses too deep and mysterious for words. That our children are able to have moments of yugen is something to hold onto and perhaps some kind of compensation for all the hard times?

Be strong my friend.

Always Yours, an emotionally unstable
Sparrow

TRAPPED

Sparrow,

I think you’ll understand, only a little too well, when you read the following little blog posting:

No matter how hard I work

No matter how aware I am

No matter what measures I take to make myself and my little family “happy”, I can’t change the fact that my youngest daughter is trapped by her own brain. It keeps coming back to that issue.

I can’t be angry at her

I can’t fight her

I can’t stop loving her

In the end, she is trapped but, by extension so am I, her sister, and her father. It controls every minute of every day and this week has been so full of controlled minutes that the two of us feel like enemies, our backs against each other, fighting a war with no end in sight.

It’s wearing us both out and today we both want to throw in the towel.

There’s only so much a mother and daughter can do to win this kind of war but we are trying. It is, however, a reality and today, after a week of struggling against, and with each other, we feel like throwing in the towel.  

I know you understand this feeling all too well.

Trapped

A Weary Red Bird

Can You Hear Red Bird Sing?

Sparrow,

Your last post was inspiring and it named a state of being that I am often plagued with; “inbetween”. I didn’t have a name for this state but now I do and I’m going to steal it from you.

Inbetween.

This year, for both of us, has been marked by  “heady forward motion” with hair pulling periods of “inbetween” hasn’t it, and, since we are keeping a “blog journal”, the evidence of these periods is right there for all to see. There are posts of positivity and action, and posts of “I’m in a funk” from both of us. The thing that I appreciate, and is also on display for all to see, is that the periods of inbetween don’t seem to hold us back, do they? We admit to the feeling of frustration, loss, confusion and actual sadness of these times but we know it’s a transient feeling. We allow ourselves the “funk” (as you admit to feeling in your last post) and we allow ourselves to feel every second of it because even the “inbetween” is part of the journey, isn’t it?

Regardless, I hate the feeling of "inbetween" and I have empathy for the fact that you’re there.

With all of that said, you might find the following true life conversation between myself and a friend maddeningly interesting:

Friend: “Ya, but it’s easy for you”

 Me: ?????

Me: It’s easy for me?

Me: And, why, pray tell, is it “easy for me”?!

Friend: Because you’re you.  Things don’t phase you. If you want something you go get it. Plus, you’re one of those people that just has things easy.

Me: ?!?!?!?!

I wasn’t sure if I should laugh, scream, or cry because of this conversation and I wondered what you, a woman caught in the funk of inbetween, would think of it.  Things are easy for me, Sparrow. That must be why everything’s falling into place for me and why happiness is coming my way. Things are easy for me. I’m just one of the lucky ones, I guess.

This is what I have to say:

We are all individually RESPONSIBLE for our own lives. 

RESPONSIBLE. 

We have been given life, for whatever reason, and it is our obligation to go out there, into the world, and achieve what we want from it. I might have learned that lesson late in the game but I learned it and I am out there fulfilling my responsibility to my own life and it is no more easy for me, or you, than it is for anyone else. The difference between us and this person, Sparrow, is that we have stopped laying blame, finding excuses, crying out “woe is me” without admitting that the "woe is me" is transient and will pass with hard work.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!

We admit to the inbetween, Sparrow, we say “I’m in a funk, I’m lost, I need direction" (and a dehumidifier) and we find a way! I’m proud of us. We are my heroes because we have all the bumps and bruises from being in a rough and tumble game and we continue on!  

HEROES. 

On occasion, we lose our way…but, really, we just stumble off of the path a little, the way is never lost because we, my dear friend, are taking responsibility and it is for that reason, and that reason alone, that I am finally starting to hear, as our inspiration Mary Oliver writes, Red Bird sing:

“All night my heart makes its way
however it can over the rough ground
of uncertainties, but only until night
meets and then is overwhelmed by
morning, the light deepening, the
wind easing and just waiting, as I
too wait (and when have I ever been
disappointed?) for redbird to sing” 

From A Thousand Mornings

I love you my "inbetween" friend

Yours Always,

Red bird

A state of inbetween.

Dear Red Bird

I'm in a funk! I'm in a place where something is about to happen but it's not here yet and there is nothing I can do to make it happen sooner. I just have to sit and wait and while I do that, it's getting me down. We are preparing for the next part of our journey, only we're not sure what it's going to be. We have plans, loosey goosey ones, which is who we are. We tend to wing it with most things and more than likely will suddenly turn left when we've been telling everyone we are definitely heading right. This is how we live our lives and I couldn't live it any other way, yet I am in a funk:(

The last post here from Glenn (Hi Glenn, thanks for your great story btw), had me nodding my head in agreement from beginning to end. You have to put your crash helmet on and charge forward, fearlessly! I resolve never to have a bucket list, or at least one I fulfill faster than I can add to it, but sometimes it's hard to get out of bed in the morning and move forward.

I told you the other day that I was uninspired and struggling to write something for Birdie and Sparrow but today I decided the best thing was just to write something. We are reading Twelfth Night at the moment and there is a part (Act 1, Scene 4) when Orsino tells Viola (as Cesario) to go and woo Olivia for him and he says

"Be not denied access, stand at her doors,
And tell them there thy fixed foot shall grow
Till thou have audience."

and I thought, blimey, if I don't shift myself and shake off this gloom, get up and take action, my fixed foot shall grow too, and I would rather be doing than moping. So now I am taking action. Instead of waiting for the next thing to happen, I'm going to fill the time with something else. Of course the flip side of Orsino's speech, the real meaning, is stand true and strong and fight for what you want. Sometimes I forget that you can have more than one pot bubbling on the stove, and they don't all have to contain the finest ingredients. I guess this is just my personality, I always have to keep moving or doing otherwise my mood falls rapidly.

So I've hatched a plan and am off to put things into action, no matter how small it may be.
Always yours
Sparrow

Life Happens, Wear a Helmet

 Dear Readers: 

Birdie and Sparrow have the pleasure of presenting another guest blog for your reading pleasure. This is quite a journey that this individual has been on and it goes far in proving a valid point: if you want something, and you're open to it and willing and capable of doing the work to achieve it...It can be yours. Don't be afraid, at least, don't let fear hold you back...

Thanks G., Can't wait to see you on the big screen!

Red Bird and Sparrow

Greetings fans of Red Bird and Sparrow! It is my humble honor to bring this post to you at the request of my beautiful friend Red Bird! Before I go on with my guest blog I wanted to extend a warm hello to Sparrow! We have never met but our common friend Birdie speaks very highly of us so it’s like we are friends…

My name is Glenn. I am 42 and I am also on a journey of self-discovery. My journey differs from Birdie and Sparrow's, but then again everyone’s journey is different. My journey started 3 years ago with the ending of a long term relationship. It was devastating to me because of all the after effects a break up like this causes. I had to move to a new place…I had to change my son’s school…and I now had to be an “alone” adult. The hardest part of the whole deal was being alone…or so I thought. After a year of mourning the loss of said relationship something occurred inside me. No, it wasn’t a fart….I have keen fart recognition skills which is loosely based on other people’s facial expressions….but that’s another story. What occurred in me was the faint calling of change. My journey had begun.

I first thought that the call for change was more about restlessness. It was like having caffeine overload but from the time I woke up til I went to bed. I hated it and myself for feeling this way. Maybe it was the cold Saskatchewan winter effecting me….but I was about to embark on an ambitious journey of rediscovering what made me happy. Now, to know me is to know this one solitary thing. I have a lot of energy! To say anything different would be understatement. I decided that my first goal was to do something that would seem the impossible. Now being it was winter, there’s not much that I could do to test myself…..well, there was 10 pin bowling. Yes…I am a 10 pin bowler. Before any of you judge me, let me tell you this…..is a hard game that can be as frustrating as golf. Perfect I say. It was February and I had qualified for the house round of a tournament event called the National Classified. To make a long story short, I qualified to make the 4 man team. I lost the year before so already I was feeling a sense of accomplishment. We went to provincials and won! What did that mean? A free trip to Ontario and a chance to battle other bowlers on a national level. This was my turning point. We went, had fun, and won a national title and in exciting fashion. This was the start of my journey.

After the excitement of what I had accomplished had faded away, I started feeling restless again. A friend of mine who was just starting out in the film industry showed me a picture of her part in a movie. She played a corpse..yes she played a dead person. I was taken in on how real she looked. I wanted to be a corpse too! So, with my friend’s encouragement I embarked on a new direction of my journey. My first taste of my new life came to me in the form of what they call “background acting.” It was the art of looking natural while acting natural. It was on a CBC show called InSecurity. I had found home! I was so fascinated with how filming a show was choreographed. It was filled with an eclectic mix of quirky personalities…..it was perfect! It calmed me. I actually channeled my energy, listened to how the director set up the scene…how the lighting crew moved things around to make it all perfect. I learned about how to make a conversation in the back ground look natural by mouthing the words watermelon and grapefruit. I learned….and I learned…and I learned more. I was ready to up the ante. 

My next show was a war documentary series called Edge of War. I was to play a Cuban rebel.  Before I go on, I must tell you something about my appearance. I have long hair. When I arrived on set, the first thing I was told was that because of my long hair, I was only going to be in the background. They didn’t want to cut my hair and I was very thankful of that. Right in the middle of shooting, the director wanted someone to fire a “Tommy” gun yelling “Never surrender boys” in Spanish. He picked me…and from that point on my nickname on set was “Chico” and so that made me memorable. 

Now, in Saskatchewan, as in other provinces, the local film industries shut down for the winter. So a lull happened in my journey…or so it seemed. In the off season, I honed in on my acting skills and performed a few murder mystery dinner theater events. It was from these events that I met people that would widen the road for my journey and take me in another direction. I met one guy who ran a stand-up comedy show. Another of my cast mates, who was adamant that I was a talented actor, asked if I wanted to collaborate on writing movie scripts. I said yes but my mind was saying “WTF!!!” But never being complacent I moved forward and started writing a story about a zombie infestation in WW1. “Wow” I said to myself, “where did that come from?” That first story has now led to three others…all works in progress.  After I started writing, I got the notion that if I could write such a cool story why not try stand-up. So I wrote a routine, stood up in front of a full house of strangers and a huge contingent of friends (my fans and supporters) and actually made people laugh!

I know this is long, and if I bore you please know, that this is my introduction to the world of blogging….and that my journey has been a very enlightening journey. As I read over what I have written it has occurred to me that I have done a lot in such a short span of time. I am a positive man and totally believe in karma. I never shake my fist at the bastard….err, gentleman that cut me off on the road the other day. I also quit smoking during this process and have stayed a quitter for over two years and counting. And the best thing that could ever happen occurred last fall……after a 20 year absence from my life my dearest friend Red Bird came back into it and is now making me feel the joy that only Red Bird can make you feel! Thanks Birdie!! Our visit in September will forever be a source of happiness! Saturdays will never be the same. And I promise not to selfishly promote my first feature length movie called Bread Thieves. I promise I won’t post the movie website (http://breadthievesthemovie.com) and not to tell everyone that I am the meth head character. I promise…

Thanks for reading this…..and always remember that life happens, wear a helmet!

G.

Dear Sparrow: Thank You

Sparrow,

You know how to hit below the belt, don’t you?! You know that I love nothing better than warm days and flip flops. Don't get me wrong, I smiled for you, when I read about how beautiful the weather is in Vancouver in your last post, but I cursed you at the same time! Mostly, though, I was thrilled for you, and I longed to be with you, walking around Vancouver, in flip flops with a coffee in hand, chatting with you again. That would be lovely, to be with you in one of my favourite cities. I’m going to start a savings fund, a “Visiting Sparrow” fund, only I’m afraid I won’t want to come home again!

Talking about visiting you, Sparrow, and about how much I’d like to be in your company, makes me wonder about what people think about our friendship when they read our blog. To say that we are “friends”, is a disservice, really, and I hope I’ve made this clear:

 You are not my “friend”; you are a part of me.

When we used to meet up in the backyard, often after long periods of time because we were both so busy, it was as if we had been together the day before, wasn’t it? I would find myself telling you deeply personal things and not wondering how I could unburden myself like that. I am, as are you, extremely guarded and private, despite my blogging activity (!) and I think there are few people who could tell you anything truly personal about my history. Oh, I’m sure they could tell you about the public persona I present, but very little else. You, on the other hand, without trying, manage to learn things about me that don’t come out as a chronicling of my history, but rather, as a natural conversation, a desire to share.

When you announced you were leaving Ontario, packing up and going on the road, I was thrilled for you. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. I knew you had always wanted to go to BC, to see more of the country and travel. We talked about it a lot and I knew, because I know you, that you were eventually going to make that happen. I was thrilled, when you told me (remember how you hesitated for fear of hurting me?), but I was shaken. I had just announced to you that I had left “HIM” and it hit us that life was going to change dramatically for us both and, potentially, pull us apart. I couldn’t help but be sad, nostalgic, and at a loss even though I was thrilled for you.

In true Birdie and Sparrow style, though, we rallied, came together with a “blog” plan, and managed to stay as close as ever. I feel your physical presence slipping away from me, but oddly, we've become closer with each email, each text, each Facebook interaction, haven't we? And, I suppose, that’s the thing about not being in someone’s physical presence - you have to take advantage of each opportunity and say things that are more important, more honest, that will connect you to another or you risk losing that person. Man, Sparrow, if our reader’s only knew the stuff I have told you, via email, since you left in July and vice versa! Actually, thinking about it, that might make this a more interesting blog!

This journey of mine, to a huge degree, is fuelled by friendship and I actively pursue it. I have created a world of social activity and interactions that, at times, threatens to overwhelm me even as it bolsters me. I’ve learned to open myself to others, to laugh with them and sit patiently with them through bad moments. I have many new people in my life that I call friend and a dear soul, Raven, that has managed to work her way into my heart so that, now, I have trouble going a day without contacting her. I've learned the value of friendship and connections this year and I’m a better person for it, my journey a less bumpy ride because of it.

In the end, though, I owe you a huge thank you for this because it was through my conversations with you that I discovered what it meant to be open with another human being, to not shy away from verbalizing emotion, needs, wants. It’s because of you and your incredible ability to listen and be compassionate that I found an honest voice with which to pour my heart and soul into this blog (so, if you find me to be a rambling egocentric fool, you have Sparrow to thank). Talking to you was a therapeutic and safe way to learn to open my mouth, and by extension, my heart.

So, yes, Sparrow, I would like nothing better than to walk around Vancouver with you, to lounge with a book, to eat an actual and not virtual, slice of your cake. I know that being with you again would be like slipping on a beloved cosy sweater; comforting and warm.  And, for anyone out on a journey like we two “rambling birds”, may I suggest you make sure your heart is open and that you have a flock to fly with. Sparrow, most certainly keeps me sane during some crazy times and I owe her so very much for that.

I love you, Sparrow and I thank you for your friendship and love.

Red Bird

                                               

It is ALWAYS better when we're together...even if we're not in the same room

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=seZMOTGCDag