My Dear Red Bird
I had a weird moment the other day. The Hubster and I were in the bathroom brushing our teeth before bed and I was suddenly over come with such heart stopping sorrow as I looked and the man I love and thought 'Oh my God, you're going to turn 50. I don't want you to die, I don't want to die.' It was a sudden panic that life was moving fast. We are past the half way point statistically speaking. I almost burst into tears I was so heart broken. Of course you know the man is many years away from turning 50 and I don't know why I was struck with this sudden fear, but there it is, weird moment in the bathroom. I've had other such feelings lately, a need to get things done like never before, a feeling of it's now or never. We almost bought a sports car the other week. A beautiful little black bullet, with two tiny seats in the back for those capable of folding themselves up into tiny packages. I mean we were ready to sign the papers. What is wrong with us, we are a four person family one of whom is most definitely not capable of the bending and folding thing, my poor Aspie boy! It's also weird because I feel incredibly sad, yet also strangely content with life right now. As much as I feel it's the beginning of the end, I also feel it's the beginning of a new beginning. Mid life crisis? Oh well, at least I'm being productive. Just hope we don't lose it all together and do something crazy.... or maybe I do, it's hard to know these days!
Always yours
A slightly off kilter Sparrow
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Saturday, June 15, 2013
...In which "My Raven" Steps out From Her Shadows and Poses a Question...
Dear Sparrow and the "Am I Lost" Readers:
I have a Guest Blog Entry for you today written by a woman that I affectionately call "Raven", a woman I have spoken of on several occasions in this blog. I asked Raven if she would consider writing for the blog months ago and, while she agreed to do it, she quickly realized that baring her soul wasn't as easy as she thought and it wasn't until yesterday that she let it all come pouring out and a blog piece was emailed to me.
When I read the piece, I had to pause, catch my breath and then read it again because I was moved by the raw honesty presented. You see, my Raven, while being an easily supportive, generous and loving friend, is not a woman who easily admits to her own pain. This woman listens, ad naseum, to my heartaches but rarely touches on her own. She regularly texts me just to take my emotional temperature and to remind me that she's there for me, but rarely admits to her own emotional needs.
The past few months have been physically and emotionally difficult on "My Raven" and while watching her struggle has been painful, it has also been wondrous because it has allowed me to witness something else: the emotional evolution and growth of a dear friend...
With all of that said, I present the following:
I shall introduce myself:
I am Raven, a good friend of Red Bird. I never did meet Sparrow but I feel like I know her from all of the wonderful stories Red Bird has told me. I unlike Red Bird and Sparrow have not had to deal with the same issues with my fledgling as they have as my child is, as some say, "normal", but this does not mean there are no issues. On many occasions we have melt downs, anxiety and more but I have said to myself many times I don't know how Red Bird does it and I applaud her.
Many of the issues I have in trying to be a good parent are with myself as after the birth of my Fledgling depression came tap tap tapping at my door. The hormone changes with pregnancy brought on depression that never went away. I have discovered that depression is like an addiction, we can feed it, we can mask it, we can fight it but it never goes away - we have it for life. I have done all of the above in this battle and I have asked myself , "If I could wish for it to never be, would I?"
I have been on the roller coaster of medication and it worked TOO well. I no longer felt depressed but I also no longer really felt anything. I now see how this contributed to the fail of my 19 year relationship with the man who was my best friend. I saw how the medication was taking away my feelings and decided to try to fight it myself. I am by no means saying this is the best way for everyone to go. Medication is needed! I needed it at one point but went off when I felt it was no longer needed and creating more problems. I continue riding an unmedicated roller coaster (as anyone who has dealt with depression knows, there are ups and downs).
I now have a clear understanding that this is a part of me like the nose on my face and I have no reason to be ashamed and hide it. By not hiding I have discovered I am not alone, family and friends have or are going though this. So please never be ashamed. You are not a weak person to have these lows! I felt for a time I was weak, I was weak for needing medication, I was weak for crying and screaming but no, I was just fighting and a fighter is strong. A fighter may not win every fight but is still a fighter.
When Red bird was fighting her own battles, and her Fledgling was fighting hers as well, it made me look back and think upon my own struggles. I could relate to them both as some of these feelings they were having I have had myself. I feel great concern and empathy for her Fledgling as I can't imagine dealing with such feelings at such a young age. I went through mine in my late 20's and now 30's and have a hard time. I turn now to a question I mentioned earlier:
If I could go back would I want to never have struggled or continue to struggle with depression?
The answer to that is hard because my battles have made me who I am. These battles at times have been for the worst and have caused great pain to myself and my family and yes, I would wish that away in a heart beat but if experiencing this changed me to the person I am today then my answer is "no".
So readers, I ask this question of you: Would you take it away? Is there something in your life that has caused you hardship but that moulded who you are, and would you change this problem?
Ponder this to yourself, with your loved ones, or leave a comment down below. I have enjoyed sharing with you all and hope to again. This time I hope I made you think and next time I hope to make you laugh.
Best Regards,
Raven
Forever pondering weak and weary
I have a Guest Blog Entry for you today written by a woman that I affectionately call "Raven", a woman I have spoken of on several occasions in this blog. I asked Raven if she would consider writing for the blog months ago and, while she agreed to do it, she quickly realized that baring her soul wasn't as easy as she thought and it wasn't until yesterday that she let it all come pouring out and a blog piece was emailed to me.
When I read the piece, I had to pause, catch my breath and then read it again because I was moved by the raw honesty presented. You see, my Raven, while being an easily supportive, generous and loving friend, is not a woman who easily admits to her own pain. This woman listens, ad naseum, to my heartaches but rarely touches on her own. She regularly texts me just to take my emotional temperature and to remind me that she's there for me, but rarely admits to her own emotional needs.
The past few months have been physically and emotionally difficult on "My Raven" and while watching her struggle has been painful, it has also been wondrous because it has allowed me to witness something else: the emotional evolution and growth of a dear friend...
With all of that said, I present the following:
I shall introduce myself:
I am Raven, a good friend of Red Bird. I never did meet Sparrow but I feel like I know her from all of the wonderful stories Red Bird has told me. I unlike Red Bird and Sparrow have not had to deal with the same issues with my fledgling as they have as my child is, as some say, "normal", but this does not mean there are no issues. On many occasions we have melt downs, anxiety and more but I have said to myself many times I don't know how Red Bird does it and I applaud her.
Many of the issues I have in trying to be a good parent are with myself as after the birth of my Fledgling depression came tap tap tapping at my door. The hormone changes with pregnancy brought on depression that never went away. I have discovered that depression is like an addiction, we can feed it, we can mask it, we can fight it but it never goes away - we have it for life. I have done all of the above in this battle and I have asked myself , "If I could wish for it to never be, would I?"
I have been on the roller coaster of medication and it worked TOO well. I no longer felt depressed but I also no longer really felt anything. I now see how this contributed to the fail of my 19 year relationship with the man who was my best friend. I saw how the medication was taking away my feelings and decided to try to fight it myself. I am by no means saying this is the best way for everyone to go. Medication is needed! I needed it at one point but went off when I felt it was no longer needed and creating more problems. I continue riding an unmedicated roller coaster (as anyone who has dealt with depression knows, there are ups and downs).
I now have a clear understanding that this is a part of me like the nose on my face and I have no reason to be ashamed and hide it. By not hiding I have discovered I am not alone, family and friends have or are going though this. So please never be ashamed. You are not a weak person to have these lows! I felt for a time I was weak, I was weak for needing medication, I was weak for crying and screaming but no, I was just fighting and a fighter is strong. A fighter may not win every fight but is still a fighter.
When Red bird was fighting her own battles, and her Fledgling was fighting hers as well, it made me look back and think upon my own struggles. I could relate to them both as some of these feelings they were having I have had myself. I feel great concern and empathy for her Fledgling as I can't imagine dealing with such feelings at such a young age. I went through mine in my late 20's and now 30's and have a hard time. I turn now to a question I mentioned earlier:
If I could go back would I want to never have struggled or continue to struggle with depression?
The answer to that is hard because my battles have made me who I am. These battles at times have been for the worst and have caused great pain to myself and my family and yes, I would wish that away in a heart beat but if experiencing this changed me to the person I am today then my answer is "no".
So readers, I ask this question of you: Would you take it away? Is there something in your life that has caused you hardship but that moulded who you are, and would you change this problem?
Ponder this to yourself, with your loved ones, or leave a comment down below. I have enjoyed sharing with you all and hope to again. This time I hope I made you think and next time I hope to make you laugh.
Best Regards,
Raven
Forever pondering weak and weary
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