50 Shades of Grey

Dear Readers,

I'm addressing this post to everyone and not just, as usual, to my beautiful Sparrow because this topic is something that concerns us all.

Shades of Grey

We, my friends, live in a world of grey. Nothing, absolutely nothing is black or white. How we perceive ourselves and our realities is a hot topic for philosophers and is, unarguably, a jumbled mess of truths that muddies white and lightens black. We live in a grey zone of "mostly true". Sometimes we're happy, sometimes we're sad, but we aren't necessarily one or the other; we can simultaneously be both one and the other.

I suffer from Chronic Sorrow and, yet, as Sparrow likes to say to me in personal conversations, she thinks that I am one of the happiest people she's ever met. I still suffer from Chronic Sorrow. Happiness and sorrow are partners that follow me through life, but "happy" is the predominate choice. I've learned that I can smile even if I was crying the day before and that my smile affects me and the people around me. My smile saves me - It keeps me from drowning. I don't have to be sad all the time even though I often am. I don't have to be happy all the time even though I often am. I am a woman living in a world of grey. I'm not defined by absolutes and, while I don't particularly like grey as a shade, I LOVE IT AS A STATE OF BEING.

Sparrow, you picked your smile up off of the floor and you passed it around, like a gift, to people around you as you mentioned in your last posting and not only were they affected by it but, so too, were you. Your whole evening changed because someone had the courage to remind you that you live in a state of grey. You can choose from the shades in your life and come up with lighter or darker ones but it doesn't have to be all or nothing, black or white.

It doesn't sound like a good thing, living in a state of grey, does it, so call it whatever you want...just as long as you remind yourself that as a healthy human being (I am working on the assumption that you are not suffering from some form of mental illness or neurological disorder that renders you incapable of mood choice)you do not have to live in extremes. You can choose to wear a smile, you can spend a day crying, or a week even, and still be someone who can choose to smile when you're ready.

I send you all love, hugs and, most importantly, you should know I'm wearing a smile (a goofy, dorky one) and I'm directing it at all of you

<3 Red Bird

PS, interestingly, as children with Apserger's Syndrome, both my daughter and Sparrow's son do, almost unwaveringly, live in a black and white world and this is something I hope to touch on in the future

A quick story

Hello My friend.

Today has been a difficult day full of anxiety and moods. I am tired and fed up with not really knowing what to do. Is this a good technique or am I making things worse. Is this one of those things I'm supposed to be a hard ass about or is this something we accommodate? Oh how I miss Dr.C! So many things I don't yet have the answers to, but today I did learn one thing. I apparently wear this tension for all to see on my face. Here's my story.
I popped out this evening, around 6pm to grab some groceries for dinner. It was dark and late and I was just trying to get from A to B as quickly as possible when a man stepped out from an alley way and yelled at me as I flew by.

'Excuse me miss, hey miss, is this yours?'

I of course kept going, but then he yelled;

'Miss, I think you dropped something. Yeah, this is yours isn't it?'

So I turned to look, just in case I had dropped something. He's pointing at the pavement, yelling 'you dropped this, it's yours isn't it', but there's nothing there. So now my thought is that he's trying to get me to come closer so he can drag me into the alley and mug me. However just as I turn to march swiftly on, he yells.

'Yeah, that's your smile down there isn't it Miss?'

I turn around and he's standing there beaming at me and he had me. A smile spread across my face.

'Oh good, you found it' and with that he walks off.

I hate to think what I must have looked like to prompt him to that performance. He must have only seen me for a split second as I passed by. I'm a teeth clencher and grinder, I know that's where I hold my tension, but I had no idea it was that bad!
Anyway, Birdie, he made my day. As soon as that smile spread across my face, I felt better. I felt lighter and more able to cope. I carried that goofy smile all the way to the grocery store, with a few chuckles thrown in along the way. I smiled at every person I passed. I engaged with the other customers in the crowded veggie section, making eye contact and beaming away. Perhaps I lifted a cloud or two for them after a hard day, I don't know, but it taught me a lesson about letting go and smiling more. I can't control things around here, I can only do my best, and now we will end our day smiling in celebration that we made it through another one, happy and healthy. The rest will fall into place.

Here's to all the new smiles that have been appearing in your life lately from our beautiful Fledgling.
Always Yours
Sparrow

Labels

Hello Dear Friend

It was so nice to see your beautiful face over Skype this morning. I'm sorry I could do no more than a perfect impression of Einstein. My hair seems to like the dragged through a hedge backwards look. Well that was weird, I wrote backwoods before correcting it. Seems like my brain was playing word association with 'hedge' without me knowing. Crazy how that mass of neurons functions!
I've been wanting to post a reply to your previous post 'Welcome Asperger's'. I think the issue of labeling is such a difficult topic for anyone either dealing with mental health or not. It's a bit like the medication debate, everyone has an opinion. Sadly a lot of those opinions come from a shamefully uneducated viewpoint.
I find it fascinating the declarations people make about topics they obviously know so little.
I have to tell you Red Bird that we are having a really hard time with this right now. So far an official label has not been necessary for the boy. We have adapted our situation to make things work. However we are getting to a point where it may become essential. If he is to succeed in University we will need accommodations for him. Only a label will open those doors. But what then. What happens post University when he's looking for a job and more importantly benefits. When they are young a label is such a positive thing, it opens so many doors from financial support to school accommodations to therapies. What happens to that label when they are older and it potentially becomes a burden rather than a help. Really, he is what he is, if he's not autistic then he's just weird, and I think we would rather him known as autistic, but still, we worry. Although the world is becoming much more open and accepting of children like ours thanks to people like Bill Gates, a highly visible and wildly successful Aspie, there are still many closed minded people out there who will never understand. Case in point a person who refuses to believe our son's disability because he's far to intelligent to be autistic. Instead they prefer to believe he's faking it. I think that say's more about them than him, but really, faking it? Of course the biggest benefit for attaching a label is the peace of mind our children seem to get from knowing where they fit. You said it so well this morning, how important this is for children like ours who need things well defined, who only function well when things can be classified and are predictable. The only social group from all the activities we tried, from swimming to soccer to hip hop to tennis, that the boy ever attended willingly, week after week without the usual anxiety and stress, was 'Yoga for Teens with Aspergers'. It wasn't the yoga, it was knowing he couldn't make a social mistake in that class. It was the relief that everyone else was like him and he could just be himself. He wasn't expected to act in a certain way, a way that he had no clue how to do. He didn't need to talk or pretend to make eye contact. He didn't have to participate if he didn't feel like it. He could roll his mat out in the far corner, away from everyone else and just be.
You made this point in your post so well my friend, but I wanted to say it too, because it's one of the biggest gifts we can give our children,  peace of mind. To feel okay with who they are, to know that although they  don't belong to the majority, they do belong to a group of the most incredible people. In that group, they are 'normal' or to use a better word than that dreadful term, they simply fit, they are home. When you told me of Fledglings diagnosis it was the first thing that sprang to mind for me. The relief she must have felt. I could picture her shoulders rising as this burden of who or what she was, was lifted from her and now she could move forward.
I'm so happy for you that as a family you have been able to welcome Aspergers in and fully embraced it. I know what a long journey this has been for you all. I also want to thank you. Each person who stands proud and says, yes my child has...... makes it that much better for all our children's futures. Futures where prejudice is a rarity, not a normalcy.

Always yours
Sparrow