Haircut

Dearest Red Bird

When will I learn? Today has been a day of handling things all wrong, but really I'm lost and wouldn't know how to handle it right anyway. It was a typical day all in all, where autism put itself front and center and neither I nor the boy knew what the heck was going on. Haircuts. Today and the last three to four weeks have been dominated by the impossible task of getting a haircut. Google Asperger's and haircuts and you will be greeted by a host of blogs and articles on the difficulties of having your haircut when dealing with autism and in partnership sensory processing difficulties. I've read all the articles and know all the issues, from smell to sound, to balance to touch to social awkwardness and anxiety. What I don't know however is why it's so hard for MY boy. Without that knowledge, I don't know which problem to tackle or how to tackle it. As you know, I have a child who finds it almost impossible to express a feeling, who, when faced with a question, recoils as in pain and can only manage a mumbled 'I don't know'. A question for him or rather the expectation of an answer, is equivalent to us being bombarded by questions from a group of people all up in our faces shouting at once. It's confusing and stressful. So here I am, unable to find a solution to make having his hair cut easier.

We have been prepping him for weeks, he doesn't do well with unplanned events. We go over the importance of having his hair cut. Both the Hubster and I went for haircuts in a show of solidarity and setting a positive example. We were straight talking no nonsense parents today, not making a big deal about going and then we begged, threatened, bribed and finally gave up. What else do you do when your child is curled up on the floor having a panic attack? You would think we would have figured this out by now, this has been a problem for a long time, but I am no nearer to figuring out how to overcome his difficulty. The worst part is that there is in actual fact an easy solution.I cut his hair at home. No social anxiety, reduced sensory overload, and time. So now I have guilt to add to the list of emotions, why am I being so 'evil' as he would put it, when doing it myself would be so easy. Well, because you know as well as I do that at the forefront of our minds is the future, preparing them for independent living.

I'm exhausted Red Bird and I'll confess to weeping this evening. Why does it always have to be this hard? A month of ground work for one hair cut, watching your child panic and shake in fear, begging you not to make him go. We have made so many positive strides forward lately, but it only takes something as simple as this to remind me with no uncertainty, that we are on the spectrum and will always be on the spectrum. I'm also reminded that for me this is an inconvenience, a frustration and a feeling of sorrow for his distress, but for him it is a daily struggle even on the good days. Perhaps I should just cut his hair at home, why add to his stress. Of course being a good parent means being cruel to be kind. It is something I will never get used to. We will deal with it however, he will get a hair cut eventually and we will draw a line under all the bad and put it away until next time, that's all I can do. It doesn't get easier for him, each haircut is a new experience it doesn't matter that he survived the last one, we reset the clock and start back at the beginning; prepping, begging (from both sides) and finally overcoming.

What is it they say about being a parent, you have to pick your battles? What do you do when your battles are about basic life skills? Essential life skills? The everyday things that others pick up naturally? What's that? You pick up an extra bottle of wine that week. Excellent advice my friend!

Always Yours
Sparrow