Happy Birthday to Me...

Darling Sparrow,

As you know, it happened. You know because you sent me an early morning text to mark the occasion;  I celebrated my birthday. I'm now, at 42, officially "in" my 40's. I didn't think I would be bothered by the idea but I find myself thinking about it a lot, not about what age means to me or about what it is doing to me physically, per say, but about how I have spent my time in those years that I was becoming 42. Am I pleased with how I spent my time? Do I like who I  became in that time? Are my accomplishments sufficient?

If I were to plot my life from the point when I graduated high school to the present, for example, would there be enough on that timeline to make me proud and display it here for all to see? Would I look at that timeline and know that if I died tomorrow, I would do so having accomplished or done enough in my life?

How did I spend my time? I became a mother at a young age, just after leaving high school. I worked part time, for the most part, in order to put myself through University while raising a young child. I married and, then, with the birth of my second child, I continued to work part time, mostly at night while my girls were asleep so that I could stay home and be the parent that I wanted to be. I didn't have a glamorous career. I didn't make glamorous friends and I rarely, if ever, travelled. I never did (at least not yet) succeed in owning the "off the grid" rural home that I always imagined I would own though the Ex and I certainly did our research with the intention of making that happen. Rather, we moved from one suburban property to another making a comfortable suburban life for ourselves and our children.

Reading that actually makes me a little depressed. What did I do with my time and my intelligence?  Despite the fact that I mastered in skipping class and smoking in the washroom in high school, it was apparent, to anyone who took time to look beyond my bad girl bravado, that I was of above average intelligence, and it didn't take long for that intelligence to shine once I made my way out of the stifling confines of the public school system and into University. I managed to graduate Magna Cum Laude while raising a young child but then, what did I do?  I became Mom.  Shouldn't a woman with above average intelligence have become more? Shouldn't her timeline be punctuated with career milestones and achievements?

I would be depressed, I think, If I didn't stumble upon this quote recently:

“Most people don't grow up. Most people age. They find parking spaces, honor their credit cards, get married, have children, and call that maturity. What that is, is aging.”
― Maya Angelou 

What did I do with my time in those 42 years I was allotted? I grew up. I moved from emotional immaturity to emotional awareness. I thought long and hard about what was important to me(my family)and I found a way to make that central to my life(working part time at night). I moved away from the snivelling, self centered, jealousy laden emotions of my 20's and became a self sufficient, face adversity straight on, confident woman that I am now, in my 40's. I learned that I am not my car, or my house, or my income. I looked my marriage straight on and despite the comfort it afforded me, I walked away from it knowing that it was the right thing to do. I learned that I could love others, love myself and be a good friend.

I'm growing up.

I'm maturing. 

I'm becoming.

I'm proud of who I am and how my life has progressed despite its lack of glamour and prestige. Tonight, when I settle in on the couch with Fledgling, a cup of tea, a brownie(peanut butter chocolate, freshly made today)and an episode of "Bones" which Fledgling loves, I will look around my little house, and my little daughter, and our tiny dog and I will feel proud. I'm 42 and I have so much to show for it. I have 42 years of maturing under my belt and I am going to work hard to be proud of my accomplishments and my timeline.

Hello 42. Nice to meet you. What shall we do with ourselves before I have to give you over to 43?

“In terms of days and moments lived, you’ll never again be as young as you are right now, so spend this day, the youth of your future, in a way that deflects regret. Invest in yourself. Have some fun. Do something important. Love somebody extra. In one sense, you’re just a kid, but a kid with enough years on her to know that every day is priceless.”
― Victoria Moran

The next birthday we celebrate is yours, Sparrow, and, since it is a milestone, I say we should have a Skype date and drink a gin and tonic in each other's honour. 

Love always, a 42 year old Red Bird