Sparrow,
It’s been a long time since either of us has written for the
blog. The last time we spoke, we were
in agreement that “Am I Lost” would be
put to bed but, lately, I’ve had an urge to write, to discuss a concept that
has been brewing, burdening my mind, making me feel disloyal: fatigue.
I sent you a long email yesterday, Sparrow, a long overdue
email in response to one you sent me at Christmas. I told you about my “fatigue”.
I used it as an overarching excuse for my extended silence. I haven’t emailed,
I haven’t sent pictures, I haven’t added music to our shared Dropbox file as I
used to, and I haven’t accepted your invitation for another Skype date.
I’m Tired.
I’m a single mother so of course I’m tired but there is a
fatigue that goes along with parenting an Autistic child, even a
high-functioning one, that I venture to say most parents can’t
understand. Autistic children are
unrelenting, dogmatic, temperamental creatures.
In the mind of an Autistic child, everything is black or white, wrong or
right, now or never. There are NO STATES OF IN BETWEEN and one stance can flip
to the other in the blink of an eye, literally leaving a parent in a constant
state of high alert, of psychological exhaustion.
I’m tired
Sparrow, I wake up in the morning with a sense of
“testing the air”. From the moment I wake her, I assess what emotional end of the spectrum my daughter is
currently standing at, ready to fend off a bad mood, a sad mood, or hopefully,
to enjoy a happy moment or two. I’ve reduced my work hours to focus more on my
offspring and her father and I have brainstormed ideas in an attempt to keep
our young lady on a steady psychological path.
No matter how hard we try, however, Fledgling's brain is not wired to
easily transition through a regular day and, hence…
I’m Tired
Sadly, I’ve allowed my fatigue to affect me outside of my
little mother/daughter family unit and I've unwittingly let it keep me from being as open and receptive to two other
young Kiddies in my life; the two beautiful young daughters of “My Handsome Boyfriend”
(as I routinely call him).
My Handsome Boyfriend is a single father, separated for
about the same amount of time as I have been and is actively parenting and
raising his lovely little ladies. I’ve met the “Girlies” and I adore them both. They are both charismatic wee Misses with loving, comedic
personalities and, while I came to enjoy them both immediately, I was not looking
for a relationship that involved young children because…
I’M TIRED
Young children working through a separation and the addition
of a new partner need particular emotional care. They need to be eased into the
new relationship and watched for signs of stress and discomfort. Their
emotional needs have to come first at all times and their well being must come
ahead of any romantic needs. Their time with their father must also come first, even
when I want to claim the time for my own. I’m a mother. I know these things. I accept them and espouse them but…
I’m tired
I don’t want to think about the needs of “Girlies” and the
fatigue their needs place on their father. I don’t want to take into
consideration the pain or discomfort a new woman might cause an ex-spouse. I
don’t want to give up my time with My Handsome Boyfriend when it’s his week
with the girls. Fatigue has caused me to reiterate the same tired and selfish
phrase through my head on a loop…What about Me…What About Me…What About me…
You know, Sparrow, as I do, that I’m going to continue
putting the needs of those two girls first and that I will be careful with them
at all times. I’m a sucker for a child and, at my core; I’m a caring,
empathetic woman. But, and this is a big BUT, my fatigue is tearing at me,
making me second guess myself and my capabilities. It leaves me wondering about
other parents of Autistic children, single and married. Do they feel this
overwhelming fatigue? I know you do, my
friend, we’ve talked about it, and, I know that, realistically, we’re not
unique-if we feel it, others must. But others don’t talk about it. They don’t
let on that it makes them selfish, if it does. They don’t let on that they’ve
had second thoughts about a relationship or that it's kept them from participating in new
experiences because it might add more “fatigue”, more concerns.
It’s for these reasons, Sparrow that I’m writing again. I
need other mothers and fathers of Autistic children to know that I, a
patient, caring, empathetic mother is tired and, hence, feeling selfish. I’ll
scream it from the top of my lungs if it allows other parents to openly acknowledge
their own fatigue and/or negative emotions:
Now, at least I feel lighter for having uttered the words (REPEATEDLY) and, yes, he
is very handsome and he’s going to hate that he has a nickname that has been
put in writing…”My Handsome Boyfriend”
All my love Sparrow.
I miss you more than I can say,
An “I’m Tired” Red Bird
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