Yugen

I'm sat here bawling my eyes out. My parents are moving house today. The house that was my grandparents and then my parents. So many memories. I loved that house. But I'm bawling because I keep thinking of my dad. He loves the city he grew up in and the house and it's sweeping view over the city. He grew up there and leaving for him I know is going to be hard. I can't stand the thought of him being sad and it's times like this that I feel so very far away. I always find Christmas hard not being with family but this year with the house move, it's killing me. On top of that it's our first Christmas without H and I miss her so much. I know it's going to be hard for her too, she and her brother had little Christmas rituals that they can't do so far away from each other. This journey we are on sure is hard sometimes.
Feeling blue Red Bird when you know you have it good is tough. Such petty troubles, but valid I guess, it's all relative isn't it. Like your 'friend' who say's it's easy for you. What do we know of each others journeys. Our emotions are ours alone and are such complex mixes of past, present and future. My dad will be rolling his eyes at this, telling me he's fine, but it doesn't matter, I can't stop crying!

 As for you my friend, I hear you. It's the lack of an ending that's the hardest. It's knowing it's never going to change, that you will ALWAYS be battling this...... shall we call it a demon? Perhaps not because at times it reveals itself to be what the Japanese call yugen, an awareness of the universe that triggers emotional responses too deep and mysterious for words. That our children are able to have moments of yugen is something to hold onto and perhaps some kind of compensation for all the hard times?

Be strong my friend.

Always Yours, an emotionally unstable
Sparrow