Well my dear friend, I am back in Canada. You have been so patient with me while I shut myself off for 10 weeks as I knew you would. I didn't intend on disappearing altogether during this time, it just happened. I had no desire to open my laptop. No need to check emails or follow my usual blogs. No craving for contact. I was happy being a daughter and a mother, reconnecting with my parents face to face rather than over Skype or the phone line. Spending time with family.
After recovering from the initial shock of my Mum's diagnosis and the stress of hopping on a plane and leaving the boy's behind, I have been struggling with another emotion which took me rather by surprise. Jealousy. I found myself resenting the fact that my parents live so close to my sister now. That she can pop round whenever she wants and that their world now revolves around my niece. I know, and I'm deeply embarrassed. I'm jealous of my four year old niece! I have to assume that it's all related to the fact that my parents mortality has been aggressively thrust in my face and reminded me that what I once took for granted is fast running out. Time. My sister is banking hours of it, memories to always have in her back pocket in the future when she needs them. I didn't want to share my precious minutes with her or my niece, I didn't want my memories to be about what my niece did, I wanted them to be about me and my parents. Inside I was stamping my feet and having a tantrum and I fear perhaps, a little outside too. Ten weeks seems like a long time, but it flew by all too fast and I feel like I haven't done enough for them. My Mum is undergoing chemotherapy and I'm not there to tell her how beautiful she looks when she loses her hair, her biggest fear in this battle she is in. Or to support my Dad when the love of his life is suffering and he doesn't know what to do. This is his battle too. I have never felt so far away and totally useless.
Thank you dear heart for letting me hide away these last few months, but life keeps moving forward so I am back and running along side you once more.
Always yours
Sparrow
You're back! Even though you don't live next door anymore, I've felt your absence everyday. I wouldn't beat myself up about your jealousy too much, I suspect what you're feeling is completely normal! Unfortunately, by emigrating, you've become the outsider, amd that has to be heartbreaking! I'm sure I'd feel the same. And, god, the emotions that come with a sick parent-a sick mother-that has to compound the emotional injury in an exponential way. I remember the shock of hearing that my brother has cancer and I remember how strong you were for me. Who could have imagined you'd be hearing similar news so soon after! Pour it out with us, Sparrow. You have a captive audience. I send you big love and I truly did miss you. Welcome home
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