Brownies, Cousins, and Matthew Good

Sparrow,

Hearing about your life in Vancouver made me smile. Things were so emotionally difficult for you for so long that I often found myself thinking about you and worrying. I realize that you’re not completely settled yet, and that must make you a little crazy, but I can just see you on your property hunt, preparing for your new life outside the RV. I can imagine exactly what would attract you to a property and what would make you reject it. I can’t wait to see what you choose and what your new “settled for the most part” life will look like. And, Vancouver, could you get any more beautiful! I was there with the family a few years ago and I fell in love.  We actually considered moving there with “His” job but the complications of it were too much for us at the time. You should send me pictures of what you’re seeing, or, better yet, post them here for us all to see. It’s one thing to hear about it and another to have a picture.

As you know from our personal emails, I’ve been dragging the past few weeks, literally, dragging. I caught a cold about 3 weeks ago and I haven’t been able to shake it yet. What started as a sore throat and fever has progressed to a “kill me now, I’m dying, Man Cold”. I took your advice about getting some Vitamin B pills and I’ve been continuing to exercise to keep my energy levels up but, still, my Man Cold has turned into a burning hack which, yes, I’m taking antibiotics for.

I realize, now, though, that it’s not simply a cold, or general sense of malaise, that keeps me dragging; I have the…are you ready for it…I have the blues.

I’m in the dumps.

Mildly depressed.

Don’t worry, it’s nothing serious, but my spirit is low and I can’t seem to pick it up again. For weeks now I’ve been dragging myself around, unable to tackle even the simplest of tasks and, trust me, considering I’m enrolled in 6 courses at the moment, there are ALWAYS tasks at hand. There’s the dog to walk and tend to, meals to make, laundry to be done…you know the drill. But, instead, I procrastinate (notice I have not yet mentioned installing Skype?!), I drag my feet, and I mope.

You know, when I think about it, with all of the things that have happened in my life over the past year, is it at all surprising that I’m in the dumps? Not only did I get separated after 17+ years of marriage, but I was also working a job that wore me into the ground, my child went through another serious depressive episode, I was diagnosed with a vascular tumour in my thigh and hip for which I had surgery and lost a large extent of muscle to, I quit my job due to my health, lost a dear friend to an RV (  :-)  ), left my home and bought a new one. That’s a lot for one year, don’t you think?

Is it any surprise then, that I’m blue? And, trust me, I’m not whining. I’m very matter of fact and accepting of this state that I’m currently in and I think it’s important to put it out there; to tell readers the reality of what happens when you give your life the “heave ho”. It’s not all fun and games, is it? It’s hard work physically and emotionally and it’s particularly hard when you’re doing it alone and you’re recuperating from major surgery like I did.

Now, I’m settled in this new house of mine and, just when things should be settling down, I feel depressed. There’s no more trauma, no more overwork, no more house hunting and packing to hold me up and keep my brain from reacting to the shock that has been my year. Oh, sure, the new puppy and the courses keep me more than busy, but those are solitary pursuits, leaving me far too much on my own with time to think.

There are, however, three things that are helping to keep me afloat during this self-indulgent period of “blue”: brownies, cousins, and Matthew Good.

Brownies, well, those are self explanatory, are they not. I’m a chick. Brownies are chocolate. Brownies are chocolaty, nutty slices of heaven and, no, don’t even suggest a raw brownie, dear heart. You eat the raw, healthy, kind. I’m sticking to the ooey gooey goodness of brownies made with deep rich chocolate, eggs, butter, sugar…God, I want one just thinking about it. Yup, brownies, and a good cup of coffee are helping to keep me on a forward track. If I can love a brownie that much, I can’t be too lost, can I?!

Now, let me tell you about cousins. I have cousins coming out of my ears on my father’s side of the family but, for a variety of reasons, I never did get to know them. It didn’t help that I am one of the oldest cousins in the clan and that while their families, for the most part, stayed in Northern Ontario, my father fled to Southern Ontario where my siblings and I were raised. Through the joys of Facebook, I’m getting to know these cousins and I’m discovering a group of people who are generously beautiful and who, without really having spent time with me, seem to be forming a security net around me. I’m including in this “cousin category” a most stunning creature who shall remain nameless in this blog but who is now my cousin through marriage and who has accepted me as one of her own and throws love at me on a regular basis. These cousins have become vitally important to me and the fact that they reach out to me, well, that makes me smile and, so, again, I can’t be too lost if cousins are making me smile, can I?!

Finally, there’s always Matthew Good. Matthew Good sings the songs that are the sound of the blues for me, echoing a sort of sadness through my earphones but, if I can listen to music, and recognize the beauty of the words and be inspired, I can’t be too blue, can I?! So, like brownies, and cousins, Matthew Good reminds me that I’m not lost, I’ve just hit a bump…a road bump…and, with time, and antibiotics and chocolate goodness, I’ll be on my feet again. For now, I’m having trouble facing day to day, I’m dragging my feet, I’m falling behind in my classes, I’m failing to get blog entries out, and I’m rejecting time with friends. And, while I don’t need or want sympathy and a rush of emails and messages, I’m putting my mood into a blog entry because I strongly believe that people should know; life altering journeys are not easy. They are difficult, painful periods of time that can, if you’re lucky, be held at bay with a copious consumption of calories, kind and generous cousins, and Matthew Good.

Love always, A tired and coughing Red Bird

PS, in case you’re worried because you’re not here to check my emotional temperature, I give it 5 minutes from the time she reads this post until “Raven”, texts me and starts to “mother” me. She is another reason I’ll get on my feet again and, one day, I’ll have to dedicate a blog entry to that special friend who has carried me through a lot of this journey, when I was having trouble flying.

 Matthew Good - How It Goes