Give Up the Fight? NEVER!

Dear Sparrow:

I’m alive and well and I'm slowly entering the world again in good old Red Bird style. Actually, I seem to have a bit of a new style, lately.  My usual raging and kicking has become more of a quiet revolution, a continuous internal dialogue, but I think quiet is better than nothing, don’t you? At least for now.

I’ve been using my time to get my life in order, shore up my spirit, shake a cold, and make my new life “mine”. I've only been hibernating from the blog for 3 weeks now, but, really, in my day to day life, I've been in shut down mode for a while. I've stepped away, more and more, from my usual existence but that doesn't mean I'm out of the game. Instead, I've just been more peaceful. I've:

Sat quietly with music

Enjoyed good books

Went on coffee dates with important people in my life (looking at you in specific, Ms. KV, you who warm my heart)

Had a little romantic “ouchie” that threw me for a bit but that I am now learning to walk away from

Made a new “friend” whom I took a chance on and is turning out to be a lovely person…

Hugged my daughters; tightly

Cleaned my house from top to bottom

Had an incredible weekend visit with family and new friends that left me feeling loved and relaxed

And, importantly, I napped; a lot.

Beautiful naps.

Delicious naps.

Naps with attitude.

I feel myself coming out of hibernation, Sparrow, though every now and then I feel more like a groundhog that sticks its head out of the burrow, discovers it is still winter, and shoots back down into the warmth again. For a change, I’m patient with this feeling. 

This year has made me a different person but in a positive way. I’m becoming, as I said, a more quiet person, a more gentle person, someone who is happiest with a hot drink and a friend. I listen more closely to the words of others. I assess these words and take them for what they are without my own value judgements clouding and colouring the meanings, a habit that started from having to pay such close attention to every word, verbal and non, coming out of Fledgling. If I hadn’t “hibernated”, I wouldn’t have realized these changes in me. I welcome them. They’re comforting changes.

Oh, I’m still me. You, Sparrow, will still get emails with details of a crazy life of meeting new people and going on new adventures. I will probably be more cautious now, that's all. I will be more careful with my heart, that’s for sure, but not too careful; where’s the fun in that? I always plan on being the woman who impulsively dances to The Clash and sings at the top of her lungs in the car. I will always see the truth in this poem:

Prayer

May I never not be frisky, May I never not be risque.
May my ashes, when you have them, friend, and give them to the ocean,
leap in the froth of the waves, still loving movement,
still ready, beyond all else, to dance for the world

Mary Oliver

I just might leave "danc[ing] for the world" for another day. Today, I dance quietly for me.

Thank you for being in my life, beautiful friend, and thank you for being on my journey, as whiny and cranky as I am at times.

Love Always,

An almost herself again, and a ready to write again, Red Bird <3