A very British Disease

My dearest Birdie,

Perfectly put my friend. That was indeed my dilemma. How could I not role play and be anything but a selfish being. If I am to stop being the thing others need me to be and just be who I am I would not be able to have any relationships. While struggling with this I forgot that as well as a road left and a road right, there was one right down the middle, in front of me all along. Your point about fighting Him and it being easier to meld  your needs to his really hit home. In my situation the one thing I admire most about Him is the very same thing that I resent the most. He puts himself first, and I'm talking superficially here, he makes time to do the things he wants to achieve and it has driven me crazy for years. Here I am running around, always doing things for others. Picking up after the children, planning meals, taming the garden etc and he's writing. He's sat by himself for hours doing what he enjoys. The question I don't ask myself is why aren't I doing the same thing. The children and the house and the garden will survive what's my problem.  I do play the role of mother and with gusto, I've attended all the rehearsals, I've studied the greats and I stay in character on and off the stage. My choice, all of it. I have played the role of wife instead of just being a wife. He has just been a husband, my partner, but still an individual, and I have resented him for it but why, He hasn't done anything wrong. So I will try this little experiment, I will embrace who I am as well as my roles and I will fulfil my natural destiny, if you will. But I still have that nagging doubt in the back of my mind. If I play the role not solely of wife and mother, if I go out there and do my own thing, develop my interests, drive down new roads with new people, what if we find ourselves on different sides of the world. You and He were not able to take that journey together what if we can't too. Can we live separate lives during the day, making memories with others, and just come together at the end of the day. Is that the definition of a relationship or of room mates. I know that's what most people do everyday, but usually they have mutual friends or a past time they share, a common interest. Will our common interests be enough to keep us from just being room mates. Holy cow,I have been a stay at home mother too long! You know what this all is though don't you. This is me once again afraid to take flight. Scared to step away from what is familiar and using those around me as an excuse. Each time I try and hide though, you help break down those paper thin barriers. Watch this space, Red Bird. Sparrow is taking flight. From now on we talk about the journey. I am going for my vaccine, the one that will cure me of the very British disease I have, moaning about problems, not solving them. We Brit's are the best in the world at that, but I'm Canadian now, It's about time for a change.

Always yours
Sparrow