No longer whining, I promise, this ends well!

Dear Red Bird.

Okay, so I've figured a few things out. I don't value what I do.

We both said in private emails how we cringe when having to describe ourselves as stay at home moms. I've always thought this was because of societies judgement of stay at home moms, the way the role has been de-valued by the feminist movement of the 60's and 70's. No wait, not feminist. True feminism values equality for both men and women, progress can only be accomplished if men's liberation happens at the same time. Femisogynism, the sexist tirade of male hating fascist leftist, has done more harm for the equality of women than 'the man' ever did. The liberation of the 60's movement was founded on basically good thought. Traditional roles were not necessary for society to function. Women can have the freedom and liberty to chose and future generations will still succeed, the human race will survive. Any one having watched Mad Men (to use a simple example) will have received an education on the real happenings of what the western world viewed, and by some still view, as the good old days of a well balanced nuclear family. Trouble is no one asked the wives if they were okay with the lover kept in the city. Maybe some were, kept the letch of a husband busy while they did their own thing. But what of a role reversal, well I think we all know how that is viewed. His actions are natural and she is, well to be crude, simply a slut. (actually that's quite a positive view for the female gender as the implication is that they have evolved further intellectually, men aren't able to help themselves, women should know better. Yet the male comes out on top, weird!)
So we burnt our bra's and marched for equality and somewhere along the line the radicals stepped in and the whole thing became blurry. Women are left in limbo, we are no longer chained to the kitchen sink but are not paid equally for the same job or given the same opportunity for promotion (http://digitalcommons.ilr.cornell.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1114&context=articles). As for the women who choose to remain in the typical pre-feminism gender role, well, our lives became complicated. Told on the one hand that we have the right to choose and on the other we are selling out, we find ourselves torn between solidarity sisters and freedom of expression. Both valid yet opposing forces.

I was born in a time when the radical thinking had settled, into a family that played the stereotypical roles. The wait till your father gets home, middle class, 2.4 children suburban life. I went to an all girls school where skirts were measured for length, cookery was mandatory and subservience was disguised as manners. Creativity and freedom of expression were not encouraged. The extreme lack of career counseling a signal of the institutions disregard for our independent futures. By all means go to University, study the humanities dear, we always need teachers and nurses. By the way, I base this translation of their disregard for our occupational independence on the fact that a large portion of the female school population was not  accounted for, those who were not going to go on to further education either because of intellectual ability or a desire to develop more vocational skills. Those girls were waved away at the end of their term with few skills and little support.

So for the last 18 years I have found myself  in this limbo between self fulfilment and the desire to be a mother to my children. I have been a fierce mother, I have fought for them (and yes with them, I hear you daughter dear!) I have done more than my share of volunteering in their schools and sat for hours at their activities cheering them on every step of the way. But despite being raised in the traditional role, despite admiring my mother and all she did for us, despite seeing how well my children have grown, what amazing beings they have become I don't value my contribution over these years. I'm stuck. How can I take credit, doesn't that de-value all they have achieved. How does baking and house cleaning, grocery shopping, meal prep and Halloween costume sewing help man kind. What have I done to contribute to the world economy? What have I produced that turns a cog that runs a program that changes how we live? I can't claim my children. They got themselves where they are today, I simply drove them there, they did the rest. Those darn feminogynists have polluted my mind into seeing no value in what I do. Of course my biggest difficulty is that as a mother of a special needs child I'm in this position for the long run.

Here's the kicker though. You know who does value the role of wife and mother? Religion. Sadly, their view is also radical (mostly) and being a skeptical atheist, does not sit well with me. So again, like most women I float in this middle ground where my gender defines me yet splits me down the middle, pulled this way and that until I get it through the tough outer layer of my skull (these things do seem to leach in slowly with me) that the feminists were right all along. You can have everything, you just have to not expect perfection in all. Ah perfection, my nemesis. Will I ever be happy with you perched on my shoulder? I am still, even on this journey in the traditional role. Teacher to my son, main housekeeper to the family. We go as a team to the grocery store yet I plan and prep the meals. I sit in the laundry room, I vacuum the tiny carpet (the tin can is only 300 sq ft people) and I feel useless. Why? Because anybody can do what I do, or can they? If I went on strike tomorrow and the boy's had to fend for themselves, they would. They would eat, but would it be nutritionally balanced? They would clean, but I know my boy's, not as often, leaving them exposed to allergens and bacteria that could affect their health. Would they get their required daily physical activity? They might go for a walk, although if they went grocery shopping, that probably counts, right? So who's looking out for their heart health. Okay, these are flippant examples, but my point and I'm pretty sure I'm talking to myself here is that I do add value. The daily tasks that I perform are essential to their well being. I educate myself daily on nutrition, autism developments, educational opportunities for my fledglings. I keep the ship afloat, I run this puppy with the precision of a surgeon. What is most exciting is I have finally realized that I have in my back pocket the ability to also accomplish anything else out there that is not the tradition mother role. I'm just not doing it right now. Foolish, foolish me confused not doing with can't do.
So now if you ask me what I do for a living I will answer, with full eye contact and no further justification, and I will answer loudly,

I AM A MOTHER
no longer will I care how that is interpreted. I know my worth.

We have lift off.
Always yours
Sparrow