Get Skype NOW!

Dear Sparrow,

It’s funny that you should say, in your last entry, that Fledgling's posting made you feel closer to us because, sadly, I feel you and yours getting further and further away from me.  I know, I know, I can hear your voice – “if you would just get on Skype already!” I recall an email you sent with the subject line of GET SKYPE NOW and my return response had the subject line:SKYPE WILL BE INSTALLED THIS EVENING :)

It’s been over a week, hasn’t it?! Emailing, texting, Facebook chatting; and, soon Skype, we do it all and, yet, I feel your presence getting further and further away. I can no longer step out into our adjacent yards and see you there but, if I close my eyes, I can still see it all: our kids playing, your dogs (hard to believe they’re gone), our gardens, you. I can even feel the sun on my back as we weed and chat and see the tree we planted in the dead centre of both yards with its precarious lean towards your yard.

Even though I can see all of this so clearly, I’m also feeling a lot getting away from me: memories, occasions, traditions, they all seem to be a part of another life that I haven’t brought with me to the new house. It was driven home for me a few days ago as I walked by the old place and memories came sweeping past me (I sent you a text that morning telling you I was heading out for a marathon power walk but I now realize some of my texts don’t make it through to you!). As I walked by our places (for those new to our blog, Sparrow and I were side-by-side neighbours in a semi-detached house until we both took off on our journeys), it felt like I could just unlock the door, walk in and be home. I could smell the house, even, with its  "Pier 1 imports" potpourri smell that always welcomed me. I could feel you guys, too, just across from me. I could see your kids as if they were right there in front of me. It was a good thing I was wearing sunglasses so no one could see the tears that came so unexpectedly. The past really did come flooding back like how they say your life flashes before your eyes before you die.

But, that kind of relinquishing of the past, that’s all a part of the journey, isn’t it? I mean, we brought this on ourselves. I walked away from that house and into my new life willingly but that doesn’t mean I’ve shaken the old life off. It still feels very much a part of me and I’ll carry it around, much like I carry you around.

I’m starting to build new memories here and new friends have entered my life and my home. I hosted my first dinner party and it was a huge success. I did it very differently from the way I would have in the past. There were no days of planning a menu and getting out my best dishes. It helped that most things were still in boxes in the basement so I couldn’t go “whole hog” like I used to.  Even without those things, though, everything felt more relaxed and comfortable, somehow. Two of the faces at my table that night were new friends, people who have never sat around a table with me before and it was a beautiful experience. Another was a dear “old” friend, Raven, who is central in my daily experience and having her there made me feel at peace.

So, here I am building new memories and walking a new journey but I keep feeling a tug of old connections and the old house. You are as dear to me now as ever, probably more so now actually, but I do feel you getting further away from me. We’ve left a lot behind, Sparrow. A lot. Sometimes the weight of that is heavy on my shoulders and, at other times, I’m okay with it. It was just that, on that beautiful morning as I was power walking through our old stomping grounds, I couldn’t believe that that house wasn’t home anymore and that you weren’t right there, next to me.

I love you, dear one and I send you best wishes. I’m hitting the hay early tonight but will you believe me if I say Skype will be installed this week? ;-) Say hi to your young man for me and your older one, too. I’ll drop a personal message for your gorgeous eldest born and I’ll drink a cup of tea. This journey is a joy to me, Sparrow, but sometimes…just sometimes…

PS you know what else struck me as I walked by the old place? Pets. How many pets are buried in those old gardens of ours? We have a few fish and 2 beloved dwarf hamsters, Henry and Peanut, on our side. I’m pretty sure your oldest darling’s guinea pig is there, isn’t he? His name was Coconut, wasn’t it?

A lot was left behind.

Don’t worry, tomorrow I’ll spend time thinking about all the good things I brought with me on my journey.

Love Always, Red Bird