Role playing Part II or Mid-Life Crisis, My A**!!!

Sparrow,

I read your recent blog post “Role Playing” and I was immediately excited.   It’s a topic that I have discussed with several people since the news of my separation became public because, unfortunately, the words  “role playing” and it’s apparent partner words,  “mid-life crisis” have been hurled at me from friends and family alike with equal measures of pity, sympathy and/or venom.  I say, no I yell, gleefully, at the top of my lungs:

 “Hurl away! Say what you will! Bring it on, Baby!”

Of course I’m role playing! We all do. We do it from the minute we are aware that we can sway what people think of us by acting in a way they might deem desirable. It’s a very human, very necessary, trait to learn, nay, to perfect. I happily take ownership of the fact that I’m role playing.  The role playing is integral to my journey, to your journey and, equally, to the journeys of anyone and everyone with a thinking, sentient mind. This is my theory:

We humans learn, very early on, that we can get what we need by doing what others need from us. So, as infants, we quickly learn that a smile, an accidental, unintentional assumption of a facial expression, will elicit “oohs” and “ahhs”, coos and love. Did we do it on purpose the first, second or even third time? No, probably not. But, there came a day when our wee little pea-sized brains connected that specific facial expression with the attention and delight of the mother character! Oh, and then we used it to our own benefit, didn’t we! Remember that in your infants, Sparrow, because I remember it in mine!

Now, this “learned smiling” is a very early example but, you remember what follows…recognizing at a certain point in your early life that if you feigned interest in the games the other girls were playing, told them that you liked Rick Springfield, no LOVED him, had to marry him, when in reality you thought, “could take him or leave him” (I know, I just aged myself!), you could be a part of the “in” crowd. Before you knew it, you were wearing the same clothing, using the same phrasing and cadence of voice as the other girls, driving your parents crazy!

With each new milestone in our lives, we again role play:  girlfriend, lover, wife, mother, employee, they each demand a certain amount of role play at first, don’t they, until we learn who we really are in these roles. You were right, we become the obsessed soccer fan (I’m Canadian, Sparrow, take the word soccer and hear football!!) as you cited or, more true to these neck of the woods, the hockey fan following a love’s team when we’d rather be watching reruns of Sex in the City. We smile at his inane jokes and watch “Shoot-Em Up” or “Comic Book Character” movies. We make his friends our friends and we ignore the women who have supported and loved us the minute he sends a text (I was going to write “the minute he calls”, but then I remembered what decade we’re in!).  Eventually, if we are psychologically healthy specimens of the human race, we slowly shed these new skins, incorporating the parts that ring true to our own natures and bringing forth qualities that have been dormant while “he” was busy falling in love with us.

The role playing is necessary, Sparrow.  The role playing offers us a safe venue to experiment, to interact with new experiences in order to grow but the difference for us, Sparrow, is that we, like so many of our followers, have had an extra burden that has, potentially, kept us role playing for longer:  we have higher needs children. So, more often than not, I find myself playing the role of “mother of high needs child”. I dress a certain way I think will make medical and psychological professionals take me, and hence my child, seriously.  I talk in a certain way that will prove that yes, I could have given birth to a profoundly gifted child, that yes my intelligence is wor thy and equal to hers so don’t judge me! Again, in the spirit of role playing, my reading material and internet history is top heavy with academic topics of everything and anything pertaining to her needs!  We have worn the cloak of “mother of high needs child” for so long that we have had trouble remembering who we are underneath the cloak, haven’t we, Sparrow.

But, I’ll throw out that “we” are underneath the role.  I know we are.  I know we haven’t lost ourselves; we are evolving, learning to be who we need to be in light of our children. Interestingly, Sparrow, in our backyard talks, who you “really” are shone through to me quickly and beautifully. You don’t fool me. I know who you are and, as your post makes evident, you don’t fool yourself either.  The essential “you” is not lost, rather, you are continuously reinventing yourself while you figure out who you are in light of the label “mother of high needs child”. Role playing is giving you the feedback necessary to understand yourself. You, my friend, are a toothless baby grinning at mommy waiting to see her reaction so that you can figure out how to progress in this crazy new world you’ve been thrust into.

Take me, now, as an example.  When I was a teen, I was a rebellious little stinker with balls of steel.  I had “British punk invasion” hair and wore clothing from the local vintage consignment shops that were loud and obnoxious.  I was mouthy and thoughtless, tough as nails with a boyfriend that wore as much, if not more makeup than I did.

When I became a mother, I immediately evolved. I grew my hair out and started wearing clothing from malls. I still loved alternative music but my CD player was now full of “Marie Soleil” (does anyone outside of Quebec know her?) and “The Wiggles”. But, Sparrow, I see now that my spirit was still there. I was still feisty Red Bird, as the people in my intimate circles will tell you, but now a toned down version, a gentler “mommy” version of me.

Again, with my second born, there followed more of a taming of my personality.  This new daughter of mine had needs that were a challenge, pushing my own needs further into the background.  It was obvious, early on in Fledgling’s life, that there was something different about this new, young being. I became a more harried mother, more concerned with how to stop temper tantrums and how to resolve sensory processing issues.  Issues of depression, anxiety and giftedness, became my new life with this daughter, and again, I evolved.  I became more professional looking as I was always in the school, heading off a catastrophe. My vocabulary changed to encompass wording that defined my exceptional child but, underneath it all, if a Clash song came on the radio, I was still the woman who could not control her own body, the music would take over.

It was only in the role of wife, that I almost lost myself; Sparrow, but “He” will tell you that I put on a good fight. I wore the cloak of wife, keeping house, cooking meals, budgeting, entertaining and I wore it well, I think, but I always wanted more.  I, meaning the non-role-playing me, was always on the edge lurking, uncomfortable with the assumption of the role. I always felt like I was pacing, a wild animal in a cage, and I knew it wasn’t marriage, per say, that was the problem, but, rather, this particular marriage. I was always, unfairly, angry at him because he didn’t want the things I wanted. I was angry at him because it was easier for me to meld my needs with his, my personality with his. My overly-emotional personality hit a brick wall when it came to his easy going, non-emotional character and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get him to “soften”. It was easy to be consumed by role-playing but, I realize now, I didn’t lose myself in the role, unfortunately for him. I fought him and I left my scars. He’ll tell you I’m a devil if you ask him, but I think he’ll say it with a glint in his eye. He was attracted to the devil in me, and he never really got that demon to leave until, eventually, I left him but I know this as fact:  he’s proud of that devil and wishes he could have met the beast half way.

So, I may have lost my way at times, but I will swear that role playing was necessary. I evolved as a result and became a better me, a well-rounded me. I’m now wearing the mantle of single woman and I’m playing with the definitions of that role. I immediately ran out and did things I have wanted to do since I was a teen:  I got a nose piercing and tattoo! I’m rediscovering myself and I’m enjoying every second of it.  I smile every time I catch a glimpse of my nose ring or my tattoo and, if someone utters “mid- life crisis” I smile at them, too, because if this is a crisis, it’s a damn good place to be!

Wear your “roles”, Sparrow, in good psychological health and allow them to create a better version of you, as long as YOU stay at the forefront. She’s not lost, Sparrow, she’s a beautiful woman, physically and emotionally, and you are fooling no one, sorry to say. Those of us around you that love you, oh, we know who you are because even though you think she’s hidden, she’s not. Be gentle on yourself as you evolve and, when you settle and I come to visit, we are going for that Karaoke night like we talked about…you know the one…where we drink too much and sing(for the first time in our lives)like angels. That night, maybe I’ll drag you for a tattoo…

 

 I love you my evolving beautiful bird, I love you with all my heart and knowing you has helped me discard some of the less worthy “props” that I’ve been using, like a clutch, in my latest bout of role playing!

Love always,

A happy to admit to “role-playing”, Red bird