Role Playing

Dearest Red Bird


So here's something I think about a lot. Do we humans, on the whole, role play most of our lives and is that a good thing or not?

Of course the obvious times when we do, are our teen years. In our efforts to fit in and be, if not popular, at least not the kid everybody picks on, we follow along, liking the same music, wearing our hair a certain way, buying the 'approved' clothing. I'm only going to write from a female perspective here as it's all I'm qualified to do, but I'm sure boys have their own equivalent. Then when we find a boy  we change roles, suddenly finding football interesting, 'What do you mean Manchester United will never beat Chelsea!'  All of a sudden sitting for hours with a fishing rod in hand makes perfect sense, 'where have you been all my life you big mouth bass.' Things get a little more real once you've known each other a while, but you've kind of committed to a few things that aren't really you and by now it's kind of embarrassing to double back so you continue to support your loves, well loves, and so to the alter you go with your secret, 'Who the hell are Chelsea and I hate fish.' Small sacrifices, you love him damn it. Then the children are born and well, now you're a role model. No more eating snacks on the sofa, you may well be able to get food from bowl to mouth without any mishap but munchkin one is not capable and all the good books on child rearing tell us that meals are to be eaten at the table, sitting upright for good digestion and better manners. So those naughty, guilty pleasures are harnessed and as the munchkins get older, late nights, hard drinking and careless attitudes are replaced with a moral high ground you can't even believe you scaled.  Tattoo's are bad, boy's are bad, school is good, and what's with flashing your underpants, do you not own a belt? Being neat tidy and perfectly perfect are mandatory. But all you want to do is swear at the parents blocking the drop off zone, get plastered at the Christmas party and sleep till lunch the next day.

I'm going to say in fact that if most people think about it, we spend most of our lives playing a role for others. I, for example as I do love talking about myself, have never really played the role of me. I am a hippie, free spirit, animal loving, vegetarian, holistic health nut. Growing up this was not embraced in my family. My wonderful parents held quite opposite views and my hippie ways were frowned upon. In my parents defense, they were raised a certain way and their only concern was for my future success, what more could a child ask for than caring parents. But I wasn't me, I was always trying to be the child, the woman they wanted me to be. I wanted to study art, I wanted to work for Green Peace and I wanted to wear something that wasn't twin set and pearls. As an adult I play a role too, for my children for my husband. I'm extremely lucky, I have been able to stay home and focus on raising the children and I can only do that because my husband has worked hard to support us. So I compensate and fit into his routine and we do the things that make him happy because, well he works hard and I love him. I play the role of mother, which at times I suck at, but I disapprove of tattoo's and I caution about boys and their tendency to use their other 'brain' once they reach a certain age.

Now here I am, children grown, husband on sabbatical, new beginnings and I'm tried of role playing. But and it's a big but (ha ha), I don't know how to stop. I don't know if, after all this time, the real me will fit with my family. What if this totally screws everything up? I don't disapprove of tattoo's, I like to swear sometimes and all I want to do is visit local markets, dig through antique stores and watch indie films. I want to spend an hour sat in front of a piece of art and then discuss it's merits and failings. I want to have breakfast in a cafe and spend most of the morning people watching and I want a run down house I can re-build with a garden I can fill with organic  veggies. I want my independence , my career, I want to let my hair down, experiment, make mistakes. I think I want to be 19 again!

So I've been role playing all my life, and I have to ask myself is that so bad? I'm not unhappy, it hasn't all been hell. I like taking care of my family, I like making people happy. On the other hand I'm not satisfied, I want to be incredibly selfish and say now you all work around me. Can you have it both ways? Red Bird, you have made some big changes in your life, of which I am extremely proud and supportive, but you did them after you left your husband. Do you think, if or when things were good between you and him, you could have made those changes. How long were you thinking of getting a tattoo before you did, or your piercing. These changes you've made, were they always in you or a result of your breakup. Can we do a 180 and still hold onto to the life we had. Just because I want things different why should they. It's a can of worms that could lead to disaster or mutual satisfaction. Do you risk grabbing the can opener or is this a case of thinking the grass is always greener on the other side?

Always yours
Sparrow